Since Flip The Script, adoptees have finally started to speak up about how adoption made them really feel. It has also brought out those adoptees who don’t agree with many of the things that has been said. It has been clear from the beginning that the intent of flip the script was to provide a safe place for adoptees to speak without being judged, whether you have positive or negative things to say. I have watched this movement change lives and then I’ve watched us continue to be judged however; I was surprised to see other adoptees claim they are being judged for their all-positive views on adoption.
So I will admit something here…. when I first came on the scene, I felt like I was being judged for being happy about my adoption. I didn’t like people telling me that my happiness was a farce. I became the one on the defensive and it just made me think even harder on how I can convince everyone that I am a well adjusted, happy adoptee who wouldn’t have changed a thing. I focused my articles on some negative feelings and how I had overcome those. In my mind, I was pitted against the adoption nay-sayers and became focused on proving how I was happy. Then Flip The Script happened and I came off the defensive and just listened because I finally realized that it was ok to have negative feelings. I realized those bad feelings didn’t negate my support for adoption. I can still promote healing and a positive attitude while having a hard time with some of the aspects of being adopted.
One of the unintended outcomes of the Flip the Script movement is that it has eradicated anti vs pro adoption labels and has blended the two ideals into one space where we can talk about adoption without compartmentalizing all the complexities into one or two boxes. Even if you believe there is not one thing about adoption that should be reformed, your voice is welcome in our space. In fact, I welcome your voice as long as you are also listening, just as I did. Because I listened, I was able to connect with the adoptees I had so desperately wanted to help.
Because I listened, I am able to see what issues there are that needs reform. No one and no THING is perfect, ever. All organizations and institutions have to re-evaluate their processes and business models because the environment is constantly changing and we’re learning. It’s extremely naive to think a system that worked in the early 1900’s would work today. Women are no longer just here to find a husband and pro-create and clean the house and cook dinner. The world has changed so the systems have to change. It doesn’t mean they’re not needed, just means they need to conform to today’s environment and what is best for everyone involved.
To be honest, there are difficulties and challenges many adoptees endure that I actually can’t relate to, like holiday blues. I have never been sad during the holidays because of my loss in adoption. However, because there are so many difficulties that I do relate to, I can be empathetic to those issues. I don’t think others need me to go through those horrible feelings to be able to connect with them, they just need an empathetic ear and voice that says “I’m sorry” and “I understand”. They just need the free space to express those feelings. What is even more complex is that these adoptees are typically happy in their lives but do deal with these unresolved issues stemming from their adoption.
Let’s come together this Christmas. There are many of us that struggle deeply with the holidays and need us now more than ever. For those adoptees who don’t agree with things that others say, we respect your opinion too so no need to be defensive. Just listen as we listen to you. We are all in this together and together, we can heal. Let’s make an unintended outcome of adoption reform, as well. One Christmas, we will be able to celebrate open birth records and laws that protect the child’s best interest, not the adoptive or biological families. It’s going to happen, we’re forcing a culture change that will make adoption a better system for those who need it, not just those who WANT it.
Merry Christmas to all!! xoxo