But Why?

Adoptee live love

I look back through my blog posts and watch myself go from being naive to aware to activist.Today I want to get back to why I started this blog; helping adoptees find peace and lead positive lives. I realize now this is not as simplistic as I once thought because of the many emotions and trauma that we have faced. No two stories are the same and that creates differences in opinion which sometimes causes arguments when at the end of the day, we should all be standing together. We are fractured and maybe we take out our anger, hurt, and fear on our brothers and sisters. Can we just do some soul searching and get to the root of our issues and stop deflecting? Stop debating other people’s opinions and start healing yourself.

I’m no therapist but I believe there is a root cause to pain and the effects of it are symptoms of that root cause. If you’re being self destructive or acting out against your friends and loved ones, those are symptoms of something deeper. For example, adoptees sometimes have difficulty with their relationships. Maybe the significant other goes out for the night and the adoptee gets very angry and lashes out causing a huge argument. That lashing out is a symptom of the adoptee’s severe trust issues due to a feeling of abandonment – the root issue. That is just one example of a symptom.
Another example is low self confidence. An adoptee may constantly fear being fired from their job or fear being broken up with because the adoptee feels they are not good enough for the people they’re with or the job they have. Let’s take the work example and imagine an adoptee who has little confidence and is too scared to try something because they feel they will fail and be humiliated. It then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because fear keeps the adoptee from standing out with their abilities. This low confidence is a symptom of being relinquished. An adoptee may feel they weren’t good enough to keep causing symptoms from this root issue. I have written an article called “pressure of perfection” that relates to this root issue.
A technique I’ve learned to understand behavior is just a form of root cause analysis. It is simply asking “why” until you get to the answer that answers ALL the questions. That is the root causing all symptoms. Address the root and you can reduce or stop the symptoms. If you have a runny nose and watery eyes, the root cause is probably allergies. Allergies is the reason you have those symptoms. It’s the same with behavior. But for our situations, there may be several root issues or just one. It requires a lot of soul searching and being honest with yourself, which is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do! I once wrote an article about pointing the finger at others for your problems or even their bad behavior but sometimes you have to look in the mirror and figure out just what it is that is making you upset or miserable. Finding the root is the first step and then it will be easier to get the help you need to be happier. It sounds easier said than done but it is possible.
I want everyone to be a happy and positive person. I want to help people figure out how to be all they can be for themselves (which of course makes you a better person for those around you). I’m not a therapist or expert but I know what works for me so I just share that in hopes that it works for someone else. I consider all adoptees my brothers and sisters and I’m here for you.

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