Head In The Sand

If I don’t see it or hear about it, it’s not happening! That’s been my tendency my whole life. It’s contradictory to my nature that is constantly seeking knowledge and always wanting to solve a mystery. I hate secrets. But, when it comes to a truth that will hurt my heart, I prefer to bury my head in the sand. It can be something as non-personal as starving children or animal abuse, something non-emotional like ignoring a responsibility, or the extremely personal things such as unrequited love or affection. If I don’t see it or hear it, it’s not happening and therefore can’t hurt me. Now imagine me shaking my head at myself. I know this is ridiculous.
Maybe this is what kept me in the adoption script fog for so long. Facing the trauma and the truth head-on is quite difficult. Why would I want to live in the pain? Well, I don’t want to live in the pain but what I’ve learned is that if I don’t recognize it I have no hope of moving beyond it. Ignoring it only makes it worse and manifests itself in different ways, such as attachment issues or anger management problems, and one thing is for sure, it just delays the inevitable consequences forcing you to deal with it after all.
My friend asked me just two weeks ago, how I can take action with my life if I’m not armed with the truth? She is so right. I can only protect myself if I know all the facts, both good and bad. Making decisions based on only good facts is setting myself up to fail, prolonging and intensifying the pain that comes from the bad. I’ve opened myself up to the negatives of my adoption in the last 4 years. The painful emotions are so intense because they’ve built up over 40 years. Hearing my fellow adoptee’s stories and watching movies and TV shows like “Finding Dory” and “This Is Us” is opening my eyes to so much trauma I never dealt with that the pain can feel like bricks sitting on my chest as I ugly cry so hard I get the worst headaches. But I get through it, I wash my face, go outside and feel the warm sun on my body, take in the beauty of the world around me and begin to count my blessings. The blessings are so much sweeter once I have let go of the pain of the moment; there are and will be more of those moments but it is a cleansing that allows me to see the good in a more vivid way.
No matter what your situation is, make sure you’re arming yourself with the truth to fight through it. Then enjoy the other side and know every battle is making you stronger.

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