Merry Christmas everyone! I know I’m a day late, but my blog dashboard was down and I couldn’t even access it! I hope everyone had a amazing holiday season, although I know for many of you it is a bad trigger. Adoptees aren’t the only ones that have a hard time during the holidays; I also have friends who are suffering through painful separations from their spouses and friends who are just plain lonely. My sister in law usually gets depressed through the holidays for no particular reason other than it is cold and requires a lot of work. I’m sure it’s not news to you that I love the holidays. I can’t really say why I enjoy it so much. I guess that I love to make my loved ones happy by spending extra time with them and/or fun gifts. The Christmas parties are fun, too. I think if you do have a hard time through the holidays then just grit your teeth and know that it’ll be over soon. I hope that even through the strife, you can find a way to enjoy some part of it, no matter how small. There’s always living vicariously through others! HAHA! Seriously, though, I hope and wish the absolute best for each and everyone of you and I hope thet next year brings you peace and positivity. xoxo

PS… Buy a copy of my book for some after-Christmas feel good reading 🙂 link to the right to purchase

Activists have a purpose and that is to correct the wrongs in the adoption industry. I support that a million percent… What I hate that happens is when some of the statements that have to be made to let the industry influencers know how wrong some of the practices are then trickles to the adoptees and can influence THEM to feel a certain way about themselves. I know we have to be somewhat dramatic to get a point across but we don’t want adoptees to internalize these dramatic statements and use them to feel even worse about themselves. I am speaking from experience. I was highly offended by statements that say I was purchased and that I had price tag on me. I wondered if I should feel bad about myself because I was purchased simply because my parents went through the adoption agency process. I thought about it for a long time and realized that yes, my parents had to pay a price to adopt but the price tag was on the process, NOT ME. I am in no way condoning the inflated price adopting parents pay, however, I know that the money is going towards selfish people doing the work to make the adoption work and also birth mothers who are requiring more and more “compensation” for their part in the process. These are just a few of the unethical things going on in the industry but this one statement about being purchased really bothers me because I feel like it hurts adoptees. We need to understand the difference between activism propaganda and what our own truths are. Do not get confused or take on these negative perceptions upon yourself. Let them affect the people it is intended to affect and remember that no one can EVER determine your self worth, only you can do that. Trust me, you’re a valued human being and don’t let these perceptions become your reality. If you think that’s not true, contact me and I’ll tell you how wonderful you are!

Well I should begin by letting everyone know that I love my birthday! I’ve always loved it and continue to love it even though I’ve just turned 39! I maybe should be horrified by the number but I’m not that person. I just enjoy the fact that today is all about me and I don’t have to feel guilty about that! I absolutely love hearing from all of my friends and family on facebook about how much they love me 🙂 I’ve had a bit of a down week so it really brought me back up! So speaking of a down week, I want to talk about what a lot of adoptees are talking about this month and that is triggers. Triggers are discussions, events, or situations that cause an emotional reaction. I have seen several posts and articles about the holidays being a huge trigger for adoptees. I was surprised because that has never been one for me. Prior to my reunion with my birth family I had only one trigger and that was my birthday. I hate to even call that a trigger because I never let it consume me but I would always take a moment on my birthday to think of my birth mother and wonder if she was thinking of me too. It is SO cliché but I would look up into the sky and imagine she was looking up in the sky at the same time and wishing me a happy birthday. It comforted me and I would move on about my day. It’s interesting to me that I also love my birthday because I’m a bit of an attention monger; I love attention and this is the one day that is supposed to be all about me! So even though I would think of my birth mother and feel a small tinge of sadness for a moment, I still loved having my day. I can see how it would be easy to consume ourselves with the sadness that comes along with being adopted but if I had let sadness overcome me then I would’ve missed out on the joy of celebrating my day or my Christmas or Easter or any other holiday. I was fortunate in that I had a big loving family that had fun holiday traditions which brought me more joy than the sadness that being adopted brought me. When you’re facing a trigger, find something that brings you joy and focus on that. Reflect on your adoption for a moment, then get to celebrating your life because you’re a treasured human being in this life that others are very happy to have around.

This is a poem I wrote about my birth mother years before I found her:

A mother and daughter for thirty years waiting…

Each one anticipating…

With a love so sweet and a bond so deep…

A mother and daughter, our lives now complete

Some of us love a good roller coaster ride. Some people just love the feeling of anxiety right before they load onto the car that is going to catapult them out into the wide open space at a very high rate of speed. You never know when the roller coaster is going to drop you causing your stomach to lift into your throat making you either want to vomit, cry, or yell in sheer excitement from the thrill. The car is moving you so fast that you don’t have the time to think too much about what is happening, you’re just forced to roll with it. Welcome to the life of an adoptee… Some people LOVE that feeling and some people don’t. I personally hate roller coasters, that physical feeling of my stomach dropping and the dread before I get on is not something that feels good to me BUT, I do love the possibilities of the unknown. I think that is why I was always curious about my birth family and wanted to search for my birth mother. I may hate roller coaster rides in general but I have enjoyed the ride God put me on in being an adoptee because every new “drop” that I experience is one that makes me reflect and ultimately grow as a person and yes, the proverbial drops keep coming at unpredicted times. People who are born naturally into their families have all their lives to learn about their family, their personalities, and what makes them tick. By the time you’re an adult you know them inside and out but as an adoptee who reunites with their birth family you have only a short amount of time to learn the same type of things and then add the complexity of emotions that have to do with the adoption and bam! You find yourself on a roller coaster ride! I have been on this ride for eight years and I thought there weren’t anymore surprises or “drops” left but I got a message yesterday that turned me upside down. My step-aunt messaged me on facebook to wish me a happy birthday, which is coming up this Friday, and told me how happy she was to finally know who the person was that she would silently wish happy birthday to every year. She told me that one year she was visiting my grandmother (the one who instructed my birth mother to place me for adoption) on my birthday and that my grandmother said to her “don’t think that I never think about my granddaughter who’s birthday is today”. This message blew me away! My birth mother has buried that time in her life so deeply that she remembers very little about it. We rarely ever talk about it. I’m not sure that we’ve ever talked about my grandmother’s feelings throughout the whole process and so to hear that my grandmother thought of me and somewhere deep down loved me both saddened and comforted me. I have to be honest and say that I don’t think of her often because I never met her. I just knew that she was the one that told my birth mother what to do in the situation. I guess I just assumed it was a somewhat easy decision for her and that she only cared about her own daughter’s best interests. I know now that might not be true and I like thinking about how I can mend my heart on that piece of my puzzle. How did my step-aunt know I needed that at this time when I didn’t even know it? This is my roller coaster ride. Maybe I don’t like other roller coasters because I can only handle one at a time!

I don’t care who you are, you always want more of something! Do you ever say things like, I’ll be happy if I just get that promotion or I’ll finally have everything I want if I can just buy my dream house? I know I do that. And then when I get that promotion or new thing, after a little while I find myself wanting more…. the next level up. I think this can be a healthy way to live because it keeps you from being lazy but just as with everything else in life, there has to be a balance, which is important because going to extremes in any situation is bad. We should all want more for ourselves and those we love. For example, we should all want to learn more and I don’t mean learning only in school. Thanks to the world becoming more and more flat through the internet and easier global communications, the possibilities are endless in learning about our world, cultures, ideals, religion, sociology, economics, and interpersonal relationships, all of which makes you a better and well-rounded human being. Never think that you know it all, always want to learn more. We should all want to love more. There can never be too much love ever! I challenge anyone with a bitter heart to try replacing that bitterness with love even for just a day and see how much better and enriched you feel. We all lead by example so get to loving and never settle for less love than you deserve! It is very healthy to want more of all the intangible things in life. We should all want more for ourselves but when it comes to the material things, we need to be careful. This is where the traps lie in waiting for you to become greedy. It’s good to always want a bigger paycheck because you work smarter and harder to achieve your goals, which is very important. But take care not to let those bigger goals make you greedy. You become greedy when you want MORE of the material things and LESS of the intangible things like love and expanding your mind. When you have all the material things in the world without the intangibles, you will be unhappy; somehow your mind begins to transform and you think the happiness will come back if you have more and better material things. This is the downward spiral that we need to avoid from wanting more. It’s great to want more but keep the balance between the intangible and tangible things life has to offer and you will have it all!

I read a blog post on the Huffington Post a few days ago where the author talked about a paradigm shift of power in the adoption “Triad”.  In the past, the adoptive parents had all the power but with open adoptions and the voice of adult adoptees getting stronger and louder as we all come together the power is shifting away from the adoptive parents. First of all, the fact that adoptees are coming together as once and making change happen and our voices heard is incredible! To me, that is the most amazing feat and accomplishment we could hope for although there is so much more work to do in adoption reform and civil rights for adoptees. The fact that we are enabling a paradigm shift is also powerful. In the past, the adoptive parents had all the rights and power as our “new” parents. The birth mothers had less power and rights but more than the adoptees because they were protected by anonymity and of course, controlled what was going to happen the child. The adoptee’s rights came last, if at all. It is amazing that we were hopefully given to a loving home but what about our human right to know where we came from and who made us? A loving home with amazing parents can never make up for that loss and not knowing. With all of this said, I think instead of a hierachial “triad”, it should be more like a Venn diagram where both the adoptive parents and the birth parents have rights and responsibilities, but those should converge where the adoptee receives ALL of the benefits, creating our own rights.

Adoptive parents have the right and control to be the legal guardians. Their responsibility is to love, care for, educate and raise that child with logical and moral rules that will produce good citizens and be productive members of society. They should have the right to be present at the birth and allowed to hold the baby after to bond. What the adoptive parents should NOT have the right to do is hide the adoption and any facts associated with the birth family from the adoptee. The adoptive parents should NOT have the right to keep secrets from the child in the name of “protecting” the child’s feelings.

The birth mother should have the right to choose if she is going to place her baby for adoption, not forced to do so by anyone. She should also have the right to choose her adoptive parents, hold the baby after birth, and to leave whatever fun or interesting facts about her and the birth family she so desires. She should NOT have the right to anonymity.

In the middle of this is the adoptee who should have the the benefits of all of those rights and responsibilities, like the right to know what DNA created them and what their heritage is and their biological family medical history, which all seems like a huge “DUH” to me, but unbelievably 47 states still deny adoptees those basic human rights.

Visualizing this theory in Venn form shows protection of everyone involved without sacrificing rights and not making any one person have the most control. The adoption agencies and lawyers should build their adoptions based on this instead of how they can make more money. Just as I talk about how I am a blend of both my biological and adoptive families, the adoptee’s rights should be a blend of the rights and responsibilities of the birth and adoptive parents. Let’s not think about power and control in a triangular form of the triad, but let’s think about rights and responsibiltiies in a Venn format. I may not have all the answers here but it’s a good start. What would you add, or take away in that Venn diagram? Let’s talk…

Here is a little sneak peek from my book.

Chapter 1: In the beginning there was birth, and then there was life

I was born December 20th, 1974 at the Mobile Infirmary in Alabama without a name, without an identity. I do not know what kind of day it was, I do not know what time I was born, nor do I know how long I stayed at the Infirmary before going to a hospital in Mississippi; to await a family I did not know yet to take me to a place that would become my home. Very old records reveal that the nurses called me “Susan” and thankfully they kept a small journal regarding my 6 week stay. Sadly, they wrote that I was not a very happy baby. I cried a lot and was not soothed easily. I may have had colic or maybe I was missing the warm touch of a mother and father. I have to believe that that being born into a state of chaos can cause discontent even in a baby who does not seem to know what is going on around them. However, it seemed the nurses took very good care of me, gave me some stability, and it wasn’t long until that warm touch came not only from a mother and father but from a brother as well! I may not have been born with a name or an identity but I was born with a purpose; I was adopted.

I’m so proud of myself! It took me all weekend but I finally have figured out how to offer my book, “A Series of Extreme Decisions: An Adoptee’s Story”, on my blog! You will find the option to Buy Now to the right in the sidebar, under my TV interview. I have done everything myself, from the book to the blog, and it is SO rewarding to see hard work paying off. I also added a page (a tab to the top under my header photo Adoptee Searching) where you can go leave your very own book review! After all, it is YOUR opinions that mean the most to me so please, do leave me your thoughts. Although your review won’t automatically show as a public post, I will gather several reviews and post them all at once so everyone can see! I can’t thank you all enough for the continued love and support I have received. I’ve made new friendships and renewed old friendships. It is the gift that keeps on giving and as they say, “my cup runneth over”. Please take a chance and buy my book and maybe even buy a few for holiday gifts. It’s a feel-good read and quick, too! Thank you all! xoxo

We hear that ALL the time, making it a bit cliche, but it is true! We never know at what moment your loved one will be taken from you or you are taken from your loved ones. Life is too short to be mad, bitter, and disappointed. You may think that I’m so positive because bad things don’t happen to me but I promise you I do get hit with bad news. I allow myself to be mad and angry for a little bit, then I let go of it and go on about my day with a smile on my face. Life is too short to feel like poop. Whether you think so or not, we are in charge of our own destinies and how we allow stress and bad news to affect us. Bad things are going to happen, it is uncontrollable. What IS controllable is your reaction and how you process those bad situations. I’ve written a whole post before about not letting your circumstances define you. It’s important to really know what that means. Just because you were born and raised in an orphanage does not mean you have to end up broken and alone. It’s on you to take on the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” mantra. Just because you never felt quite right in your adoptive family doesn’t mean you have to become unable to love and afraid of commitments. It’s on you to figure out how to live happy no matter what circumstances were thrown your way. You are in control of you. You can be whatever you want, that’s the joy and desire of our beautiful souls. If you want to find love and be loved and die a fulfilled and happy person then don’t accept anything less than that. You get back from this world what you put out so if you want to be loved, give love. If overcoming your hardships is just too overwhelming for you and you need help, then go find help. Do the work on yourself and you will receive blessings beyond your wildest imagination. If your soul wanted to come to this earth to be a turtle in a shell or ostrich with its head in the sand then you would have! But you came to this earth as a human so that you can feel and do and be what you came here to be and experience. Learn from your mistakes and trudge on, day by day, minute by minute. We were each destined for something great. Life is too short to wait! Tell me something you did or felt was positive today, I want to hear it!