I read an article by a fellow adoption blogger, Judith Land, that posed an interesting question: Is adoption the psychological equivalent of a kidnapping? I felt it was timely for me to see this because I’ve been watching the new MTV show, Finding Carter, that is about a girl who was kidnapped as a toddler and raised with another woman as her mother. The girl was found as a teenager and returned to her family and of course she is having major emotional issues connecting to her “family”. I’ve been fascinated by it and noticing similarities in the way she feels with many adoptees. Then I see this blog post by Judith and I think there may be something to it. I think using the word kidnapping is a strong word with a terrible connotation so many people want to reject that right away. I don’t think that word should be the focus of what Judith was trying to get across, rather the emotions from being taken from your parent/s and given to strangers, even though it is accepted and legal. In many adoption cases, it works out and the children grow up to be well adjusted and happy people. Although I don’t think that ALL adoptees grow up feeling the emotions of someone that has been kidnapped, I do think adoptees who find their birth family do experience the same feelings of being reunited that kidnapped children feel. As in the case of this MTV character, she is reunited with her family and feels awkward and wonders what her role and place is in this family. She is expected to feel grateful to be home but she feels an allegiance to her “mom”, even though she is the one that kidnapped her. Judith focuses on how she felt similar feelings of a kidnapped child when she was adopted but I am relating more to the other end of things when we are reunited with our birth families. One thing is for sure, and I think that every one of us can agree on this, is that adoption causes trauma, whether it is recognized at the time or not, the child and the birth family experiences trauma. Most adoptees/birth families do recognize it and unfortunately suffer greatly throughout their lives from the separation. Yes, there are many, many wonderful stories of adoption and adoptees who feel safe, happy, and unbothered by the fact they were adopted but we cannot ignore those that have the opposite experience. The trauma, the suffering, the pain is real but so is the opportunity to heal from the primal wounds. We’re all in this together no matter what your own experience is/was so instead of arguing over who is right and who is wrong, let’s recognize that we all had unique experiences and support each other. I’m here for you and am anxious to help, tell me your story and your pain and let’s work on it together. xoxo
Website for the article: http://judithland.wordpress.